Panda Watch!!

By Mike Walsh

Brian Fantana: “Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.”Brian Fantana: “Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out of here, Panda Jerk.” Ron Burgundy: “Great story. Compelling, and rich.”

In honor of the media hype that Ling Ling received when she was about to give birth at the San Diego zoo, I am going to use lines from Anchorman to talk about the ongoing, over-hyped media saga that Is Barry Bonds. To quote Luke Wilson’s character Frank Vitchard from Anchorman,

“This is getting to be ri-God Damn-diculous!”

We are way past ridiculous. The only difference is that I’m not talking about getting my arm ripped off. I am talking about Barry Bonds. Now, before you roll your eyes and go check your myspace account, hear me out for a minute. I am a huge Giants fan. I know that, as fans, we are sometimes biased and irrational about our team and our team’s players. Well let me be the first to say, by paraphrasing Wes Mantooth……

“I hate you Ron Burgundy, but damn it do I respect you.”

I hate Barry Bonds. He is an absolutely unredeemable jerk, but damn it I respect him. I realize that he brings most of the scrutiny and hardship on himself. Still, he is able to tune out all of the swirling issues in his life and concentrate on a 9oz. spheroid flying 85-100 mph toward him and, more often than not, he ends up on base if not trotting around the bases as the ball arcs into the now oil filled bay.

“You pooped in the refrigerator?! And you ate the whole wheel of cheese?! Actually I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.”

Ron’s admiration for Baxter is not unlike my admiration for Barry. He’s done things time and time again that should piss me off. It’s hard to be mad at a guy who is the greatest baseball player of my generation and plays for my favorite team. He is amazing. During the 2001-2004 years when Bonds was at his absolute apex of ability even Matt begrudgingly agreed that he was the best player in baseball and top 5 all time. There really shouldn’t be an argument here, but Skip Bayless has different ideas.

“I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

Mark Ecko apparently needs people to know that he is so rich that he can blow hundreds of thousands of dollars on a baseball to brand it with an asterisk and send it to the hall of fame. No one cares about your leather-bound books Mark. Why single out Barry? Hasn’t it been proven that we should take this era with a grain of salt? Why doesn’t he buy every piece of memorabilia that has gone to the hall in the last 30 years and put asterisks on them? I’m not sure what’s worse, that Ecko bought the ball and let fans decide what he should do with the ball, that fans actually decided that or that the hall of fame will accept the ball and display it with an asterisk on it. It’s ludicrous. Can we asterisk every piece in the hall before 1947? None of those players had to play against black players. It seems unfair to me. Someone is going to get punched in the baby maker.

“It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries...”

Guys will try anything when it comes to attracting women as evidenced by Brian Fantana. In that same vein, athletes will try anything to gain glory and attract a lucrative contract. Of course the substance athletes use has bits of horse, not panther, in it.

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

This is a shout out to all of the other HGH users in baseball who are acting like they have done nothing wrong. Most of them are getting a free pass right now because so much attention is being paid to Bonds. Should we be impressed that Roger Clemens is defying logic by still being able to throw mid 90’s at such an advanced age? Or should we be concerned that he’s not breaking down like every other power pitcher in the history of baseball has once they hit their late 30’s (except maybe Nolan Ryan, but his fastball steadily declined in velocity the last few years of his career)? How’s Brady Anderson doing? Is he still roller blading without a shirt on in Men’s Health magazines? What do we think of Luis Gonzalez hitting 57 HRs out of nowhere? Has anyone heard from Bret Boone lately? He probably needs a job. The list goes on. Even if every baseball player took steroids, what they do and how well they do it is impressive. Even if they are slowly evolving into centaurs.

“You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.”

For all of the Giants fans out there. Our team of dirtbags has pretty much been in a tailspin since the ill-fated game six of the 2002 World Series. The sad part is that third place in the West would be an improvement. We’ve had to deal with an incompetent front office, the worst bullpen in baseball, the oldest team in baseball and, on top of all of that, having our best player raked over the coals at every turn. Yeah, Bonds took HGH or some form of performance enhancing drugs. Of course he did. We aren’t retarded like Brick. Can’t we just move on? This is not an isolated incident! Many baseball players and athletes in general have taken performance enhancing drugs over the last 30 years! It’s true! I am outraged! I am flabbergasted! I am in a state of flabbergast. Let’s change the subject before I stab someone with a trident.

“Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego…which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.”

To the Padres fans that think Barry is the root of all evil. Let me be clear (not like the clear and the cream, just clear…like flaxseed oil), there are crazies in every fan base. The Padres fan base has the record for most hatred of Barry Bonds. Dodger fans hate Barry Bonds because he is a Giant first, which is fine. Padres fans hate him because he is really good…OK, and because he blew up like Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon after the 1998 season. Dodger fans are grounded by the fact that their best player in recent years also took PEDs. If you want to deny that Eric Gagne took PEDs, then you probably think Tupac is still alive, the world is flat, global warming isn’t real, water boarding isn’t torture and Britney is a good parent.
The Padres announcer went so far as to say that he didn’t want Barry to break the record in San Diego because he didn’t want his call to be associated with the record. Well guess what happened? Barry tied the record in the Whale’s Vagina. The best part? Clay Hensley (not to be confused with Cla or Clae. Why do the Padres have 11 guys named Clay on their team?), the pitcher who gave up No. 755 has been suspended for using steroids more times than Bonds. Don’t forget about pop singer Seal (read: Mike Cameron) getting suspended for using banned substances. And of course, Ken Caminiti. He won the MVP in 1995 and admitted that he used steroids throughout his career. Everyone needs to take a look at their own team before they start acting outraged about Bonds.

“Bob Dylan once wrote, ‘The times, they are a changing’. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.”

So Padres fans…actually all sports fans…times have changed. Steroids have been prevalent throughout the sporting world for at least 30 years. The odds that your favorite team has had no one using illegal substances in your lifetime is somewhere between zero and none. So let’s just sit back and watch sports for what they are, entertainment.

“Take it easy, Champ. Why don’t you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.”

This one is for me. I get worked up about this topic because I think people are focused on all the wrong details and that people are all over Bonds because he was so good. Why should players that aren’t as good as Bonds get off easy for cheating just like he did?! I mean it’s-…there I go again.

You stay classy Planet Earth.