Panda Watch!!

By Mike Walsh

Brian Fantana: “Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.”Brian Fantana: “Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out of here, Panda Jerk.” Ron Burgundy: “Great story. Compelling, and rich.”

In honor of the media hype that Ling Ling received when she was about to give birth at the San Diego zoo, I am going to use lines from Anchorman to talk about the ongoing, over-hyped media saga that Is Barry Bonds. To quote Luke Wilson’s character Frank Vitchard from Anchorman,

“This is getting to be ri-God Damn-diculous!”

We are way past ridiculous. The only difference is that I’m not talking about getting my arm ripped off. I am talking about Barry Bonds. Now, before you roll your eyes and go check your myspace account, hear me out for a minute. I am a huge Giants fan. I know that, as fans, we are sometimes biased and irrational about our team and our team’s players. Well let me be the first to say, by paraphrasing Wes Mantooth……

“I hate you Ron Burgundy, but damn it do I respect you.”

I hate Barry Bonds. He is an absolutely unredeemable jerk, but damn it I respect him. I realize that he brings most of the scrutiny and hardship on himself. Still, he is able to tune out all of the swirling issues in his life and concentrate on a 9oz. spheroid flying 85-100 mph toward him and, more often than not, he ends up on base if not trotting around the bases as the ball arcs into the now oil filled bay.

“You pooped in the refrigerator?! And you ate the whole wheel of cheese?! Actually I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.”

Ron’s admiration for Baxter is not unlike my admiration for Barry. He’s done things time and time again that should piss me off. It’s hard to be mad at a guy who is the greatest baseball player of my generation and plays for my favorite team. He is amazing. During the 2001-2004 years when Bonds was at his absolute apex of ability even Matt begrudgingly agreed that he was the best player in baseball and top 5 all time. There really shouldn’t be an argument here, but Skip Bayless has different ideas.

“I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

Mark Ecko apparently needs people to know that he is so rich that he can blow hundreds of thousands of dollars on a baseball to brand it with an asterisk and send it to the hall of fame. No one cares about your leather-bound books Mark. Why single out Barry? Hasn’t it been proven that we should take this era with a grain of salt? Why doesn’t he buy every piece of memorabilia that has gone to the hall in the last 30 years and put asterisks on them? I’m not sure what’s worse, that Ecko bought the ball and let fans decide what he should do with the ball, that fans actually decided that or that the hall of fame will accept the ball and display it with an asterisk on it. It’s ludicrous. Can we asterisk every piece in the hall before 1947? None of those players had to play against black players. It seems unfair to me. Someone is going to get punched in the baby maker.

“It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries...”

Guys will try anything when it comes to attracting women as evidenced by Brian Fantana. In that same vein, athletes will try anything to gain glory and attract a lucrative contract. Of course the substance athletes use has bits of horse, not panther, in it.

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

This is a shout out to all of the other HGH users in baseball who are acting like they have done nothing wrong. Most of them are getting a free pass right now because so much attention is being paid to Bonds. Should we be impressed that Roger Clemens is defying logic by still being able to throw mid 90’s at such an advanced age? Or should we be concerned that he’s not breaking down like every other power pitcher in the history of baseball has once they hit their late 30’s (except maybe Nolan Ryan, but his fastball steadily declined in velocity the last few years of his career)? How’s Brady Anderson doing? Is he still roller blading without a shirt on in Men’s Health magazines? What do we think of Luis Gonzalez hitting 57 HRs out of nowhere? Has anyone heard from Bret Boone lately? He probably needs a job. The list goes on. Even if every baseball player took steroids, what they do and how well they do it is impressive. Even if they are slowly evolving into centaurs.

“You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.”

For all of the Giants fans out there. Our team of dirtbags has pretty much been in a tailspin since the ill-fated game six of the 2002 World Series. The sad part is that third place in the West would be an improvement. We’ve had to deal with an incompetent front office, the worst bullpen in baseball, the oldest team in baseball and, on top of all of that, having our best player raked over the coals at every turn. Yeah, Bonds took HGH or some form of performance enhancing drugs. Of course he did. We aren’t retarded like Brick. Can’t we just move on? This is not an isolated incident! Many baseball players and athletes in general have taken performance enhancing drugs over the last 30 years! It’s true! I am outraged! I am flabbergasted! I am in a state of flabbergast. Let’s change the subject before I stab someone with a trident.

“Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego…which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.”

To the Padres fans that think Barry is the root of all evil. Let me be clear (not like the clear and the cream, just clear…like flaxseed oil), there are crazies in every fan base. The Padres fan base has the record for most hatred of Barry Bonds. Dodger fans hate Barry Bonds because he is a Giant first, which is fine. Padres fans hate him because he is really good…OK, and because he blew up like Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon after the 1998 season. Dodger fans are grounded by the fact that their best player in recent years also took PEDs. If you want to deny that Eric Gagne took PEDs, then you probably think Tupac is still alive, the world is flat, global warming isn’t real, water boarding isn’t torture and Britney is a good parent.
The Padres announcer went so far as to say that he didn’t want Barry to break the record in San Diego because he didn’t want his call to be associated with the record. Well guess what happened? Barry tied the record in the Whale’s Vagina. The best part? Clay Hensley (not to be confused with Cla or Clae. Why do the Padres have 11 guys named Clay on their team?), the pitcher who gave up No. 755 has been suspended for using steroids more times than Bonds. Don’t forget about pop singer Seal (read: Mike Cameron) getting suspended for using banned substances. And of course, Ken Caminiti. He won the MVP in 1995 and admitted that he used steroids throughout his career. Everyone needs to take a look at their own team before they start acting outraged about Bonds.

“Bob Dylan once wrote, ‘The times, they are a changing’. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.”

So Padres fans…actually all sports fans…times have changed. Steroids have been prevalent throughout the sporting world for at least 30 years. The odds that your favorite team has had no one using illegal substances in your lifetime is somewhere between zero and none. So let’s just sit back and watch sports for what they are, entertainment.

“Take it easy, Champ. Why don’t you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.”

This one is for me. I get worked up about this topic because I think people are focused on all the wrong details and that people are all over Bonds because he was so good. Why should players that aren’t as good as Bonds get off easy for cheating just like he did?! I mean it’s-…there I go again.

You stay classy Planet Earth.

BCS party could get crashed

By Matt Smith

As Ben Malley reported, it’s pretty much life or death this year (any year for that matter) for the Michigan Wolverines.
They haven’t beaten Ohio State since 2003, which means that great players such as Mike Hart, Chad Henne, Mario Manningham and Jake Long have never beaten Ohio State.
They must if they want to belong.
They also must so there can be at least some semblance of order in the BCS.
If Michigan does not win that game, thus claiming the Big Ten crown and smelling the roses, chaos will ensue. And by chaos, I mean the winner of the Boise State v. Hawaii game is probably going to get a berth into a BCS game.
Normally, I am all for the little guy getting a chance to play in the BCS games, like Utah in 2004 and Boise last year. But I am only all for it when that team is good enough to compete with the teams from the bigger conferences.
This year, I don’t think the Rainbows (wait, now they’re just the Warriors) or the Broncos are at a caliber where they could stay in a game with West Virginia, Oklahoma or Georgia. I think a team like Kansas Virginia Tech or Boston College would flatten them.
So why is it possible for the winner of that game to get a BCS nod?
That’s a great question and it’s because of the overall competitive balance (that, or teams sucking) in the Big East and the ACC. In the Big East, I think it’s the former and the ACC it’s more of the latter.
With the rule that screwed Wisconsin last year, that each conference can have a maximum of two teams play in a BCS game, there could be a door open if West Virginia wins the Big East outright.
The Big East has some very good teams, but if WV wins it without a tie, Cincy and Connecticut (which are quality teams) are not going to get a berth with three losses. If one of those two teams can beat WV and tie for the Big East title, I think two teams will come out of the Big East. But for now, let’s just assume the Mountaineers are going to win the conference (because they are).
The ACC has no chance of getting two teams. The winner of the Boston College/Clemson game will get a crack at Virginia Tech (or Virginia) for the ACC crown. The loser of that game will have three losses. The loser of the ACC championship game will have three losses as well. No three-loss ACC team is getting a BCS bid this year.
The Pac-10 is going to have Oregon and the winner of the Arizona State/USC game. Let’s just assume Oregon reaches the BCS title game and that USC goes to the Rose Bowl, because Arizona State is still Arizona State.
The Big 12 is going to get two teams, and it will be Oklahoma and probably the winner of the Kansas/Missouri game. If the Tigers win and lose to the Sooners for a second time while Kansas has one loss, then it could get ugly. I am going to assume Mizzou beats Kansas (because I think it will) and so for now let’s assume that OU and Mizzou get BCS berths.
Now comes the SEC where Georgia has a lot to lose by Tennessee losing. If the Vols win out, they will win the SEC East and face LSU in the SEC title game. They will lose that game and be 9-4. Despite pummeling Georgia earlier in the year, four losses will keep them from BCS consideration. Georgia will probably finish the year 10-2 and if they don’t have to play LSU in the SEC title game, they will not earn a third loss and will be ranked in the top six or so and therefore be an easy selection as the second team (to go with LSU) out of the SEC to earn a BCS game.
If the Vols lose one of their next two games, Georgia will likely win the SEC East and a third loss could do them damage, maybe even give the committee an excuse to select a three-loss Florida team that Georgia beat. I think when it’s all said and done, a two-loss Georgia team is going to get picked and even if the Dawgs do lose in the SEC title game, I think 10-3 will be good enough. The SEC will get two teams regardless, but let’s assume LSU and Georgia get the BCS berths.
So, that gives us WV, LSU, Georgia, the ACC champ, Oregon, USC, Oklahoma and Missouri (or Kansas) as eight teams likely to get into the big bowl games.
This is why the Michigan/Ohio State game is so big. If Michigan loses, there is no way a four-loss Wolverine team gets a BCS game which means the Big Ten gets one team. That leaves a spot open for the WAC winner.
I know Michigan is not outstanding, but I will take a three-loss Michigan team and a two-loss Buckeye team over the winner of the Hawaii/Boise State game this year.
As Ben is undoubtedly saying numerous times this week while in Ann Arbor: Go Blue!!

Some Thoughts From Ann Arbor

By: Ben Malley

I sat in on a College Sports class taught by journalist and author John Bacon. Bacon wrote a book on coaching and leadership with Bo Schembechler that was published recently. He’s young, and fired up. Bacon knows the names of nearly every one of the 100+ students in the lecture hall. They also all have nicknames, it’s a big show. He tries to run the class like he is Bo and we are the team, my friend Byron tells me. No hats are allowed, no slouching, and of course no cell phones.

This week we are talking about Ohio St. 1787: the Northwest Ordinance draws out borders for the states. 1833: the Toledo War, a bloodless war fought over a strip of land between Michigan and Ohio. 1897: they play their first game. 1918: OSU joins the Big 10. 1922: OSU opens the Horseshoe. 1933: Michigan and Ohio St play at the end of the season for the first time. 1950: the famous Snow Bowl game in Columbus where there were a total of 45 punts, many of them on first down. Michigan wins 9-3. 1968: Woody Hayes goes for two late in the game ahead 44-14. Asked why he went for two he tells the media it was because he couldn’t go for three. 1969-1978: the Ten Year War. Woody vs. Bo. Bo went 5-4-1 during this stretch, brought to an end when Hayes was fired after punching a Clemson player during the Gator Bowl.

The Ten Year War is what revived the rivalry. Bo, who had been an assistant under Hayes at OSU brought the winning tradition back to Michigan. In Spring Practice the year he took over more than 140 players were on the team, dropping out by the day to the excruciating practices. By fall he had 80 players. “Those Who Stay Will Be Champions” is the sign he placed in the Michigan locker room that year, where it stays to this day.

Jim Betts (Michigan great of the 1970s) and Jamie Morris (Michigan running back of the 1980s who Mike Hart is usually compared to because of his size or lackthereof) speak to the class. Being a part of this football team, a part of this tradition is like a fraternity, Betts says. The greatest fraternity you can ever be a part of. But you get the sense as he and Morris speak, that if this crop of senior UM players doesn’t beat Ohio St, they won’t really belong. “I talked to Mike Hart at the beginning of the season,” Morris says. “You’re going to break a lot of records, you’re going to win a lot of games, but are you going to beat Ohio St? You need to beat Ohio St. If you don’t, you’re just not that high on my list.”

When I landed in Detroit 36 hours ago I didn’t think Michigan had much of a chance. Today I’m thinking they have to win. WE need to win. I guess that’s what happens when you are put into a situation where everything seems so life and death. That’s the way they frame this game. And if Michigan doesn’t stand a chance, where does that leave us? Why are we going down to Michigan stadium to scream our lungs out in 30 degree, more than likely snowy weather? If I can’t convince myself they can do it, it’s all a waste of energy. Senior day. Mike Hart’s last game. Chad Henne’s last game. My friend Byron Lau’s last game. We have to win. And I’m honored to be a part of it.

College Football Top 25

By Matt Smith

Another one bites the dust.

1. Oregon (8-1): A week off and they are jumping into position to reach the BCS title game and they have moved to the top in these rankings.

2. LSU (9-1): Upset loss to Kentucky and getting breaks in a lot of close games is not important now because LSU is right back in the title game picture.

3. Oklahoma (9-1): The Sooners are quietly going about their business, pounding opponents and waiting for another one-loss team to slip.

4. West Virginia (8-1): The Mountaineers are back in control of the Big East and are still very much in the national title hunt.

5. Kansas (10-0): Are the Jayhawks really still undefeated? You can count on them getting to that Missouri game with the perfect record intact.

6. Ohio State (10-1): Ding, dong the wicked witch is dead. I think everyone was sick of seeing Ohio State at number one.

7. Missouri (9-1): As long as they don’t slip up in Manhattan, the Tigers have a chance to make BCS statement.

8. Georgia (8-2): Georgia is the second best team in the SEC? Could they beat LSU? We may never know.

9. Arizona State (9-1): Arizona State got back to its ways of winning close games as they held off UCLA for a Pac-10 win.

10. USC (8-2): They are not a dominating team, but they are doing what they need to in order to get back to the Rose Bowl.

11. Florida (7-3): The Gators would love for some SEC East teams to slip up so they could get another shot at LSU.

12. Hawaii (9-0): Held on to beat Fresno State, keeping that possible showdown with Boise State in order.

13. Texas (9-2): They own Texas Tech.

14. Virginia Tech (8-2): Frank Beamer beat Bobby Bowden for the first time ever. That’s hard to believe.

15. Kentucky (7-3): It’s so hard to rank the SEC teams because they just keep beating up on each other every week. This week, Kentucky is a top 15 team.

16. Boston College (8-2): They appear to have given up and Matt Ryan’s Heisman chances may have gone poof.

17. Michigan (8-3): They looked like garbage on both sides of the ball against Wisconsin. They hardly played Henne and Hart and may have been looking forward to the Ohio State game.

18. Illinois (8-3): For some people it was a shock that the Illini beat the Buckeyes, but when your QBs name is Juice, anything can happen.

19. Penn State (8-3): Anthony Morelli plays fantastic against teams that aren’t even good.

20. Clemson (8-2): The Tigers are now in prime position to reach the ACC championship game.

21. Cincinnati (8-2): They crashed UCONN’s party and showed that the Big East has some pretty good teams.

22. Virginia (9-2): The Cavs finally destroyed someone. I guess it had to be a horrible Miami team.

23. Boise State (9-1): They treated Utah State like everyone else has…..like a red-headed stepchild.

24. Connecticut (8-2): The dream run in the Big East is over, but they have a chance to make it all come back again against WV.

25. Tennessee (7-3): Back in the rankings for at least a week, until they lose to Kentucky which is bound to happen.